Feeling Dark?

“Life is difficult. I had never expected it to be so beautiful and yet so brutal at the same time. Sometimes, I feel like ending. First, because I believe I have had my best, that there’s no more good left to feel, or experience. The best has already happened, and anything less would be injustice to myself.

Nothing can replace ‘the best’, right? And anything you get next, is like a compromise, it’s like the second best, it’s like less. And I do not want less. I do not want the next. I just need the best!

I do not wish to be explicit; I just want to pour out what it feels tonight. My greatest of fears is advancing. It feels like someone’s putting a knife on your chest, and you bleed tears, and yet you smile, because you must! It’s like imagining yourself destroying lives and then thinking that the world could do better off without you.

I just wanted to write this down, because this will stay, these emotions are strong enough to make a firm presence. I wish to come back to it, after years and see if it made sense, my fears and how my future self is going to face it. I just want to tell her, this will end. Life is just too small for the sufferings to last longer than you deserve to be in. I love you a lot, I love the person you are, and I love what you have done. I know it all, and it does make sense.” 

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PS: I have felt this way and to anyone feeling the same, I just want to tell you, I love you, you’re precious. Things will be good. They’ve been for me. And they’ll be good for you too :’)

Edit 1: It’s almost 1.5 years, and I came back here just to say that things do change. I want to remind my older self that it is useless contemplating the things that hurt you over and again in your head, ’cause no matter what, if it is bound to happen it will happen. However, you do not know how it happens. In what circumstances. So, never play a situation in your head any more than needed. You never know things may turn out absolutely different. Just live in the present and focus on living it fully, wholeheartedly, and compassionately. When you actually face it, you will be so much liberated. And trust me, you are stronger than you think you are.

Candy Days

I choose colourful pictures
because these are candy days
I've got an ocean to outpour
a zillion emotions to save

I've a colossal stretch of work
many books awaiting to be read
Thoughts to share and people to meet
but work is probably insane

Don't confound my occupied schedule
as I compare it with candy days
Days like these I love
Days like these keep me sane

The Day I Took a Right Turn

October 26th, 2016 
 3:00 pm
 
 It was announced there won’t be any more classes after the recess, while I was still busy jotting down my absent notes. See I don’t really like freaking out with ‘copying of notes’ thing but I usually do that to keep myself busy or say avoid talking with people. Yes people upset me many a times. The hustle-bustle led me to wind up the work and leave. As I headed towards the staircase, something provoked me to get back to my room. There I made up my mind. I’d take a right turn instead of the left (cause left headed to the hostel) to comprehend the voices of my heart. But Gosh! I missed my diary back in my drawers. So I rushed to my room, grabbed my diary, my clutch, and my favourite book-’Rumi The Book of Love’(Nah, I was in no romantic mood) and walked my way towards the park. The best thing is that the park being nearby, gave me a chance to observe the world around while taking a walk to it.

I usually walk straight and try not to goggle at people. I wanted to wave to the chai-wali masi, but I didn’t. I saw people staring and I stared back in disgust. Today there seemed less people on the road. Maybe cause I’d hardly been out in the afternoon here. The path seemed infinity and I kept walking, with all these thoughts swirling inside my head. Now I sit here in-front of the park-gate, wondering about the reasons which drove me here, to somewhere solace, in complete solitude.

You know what, yesterday I watched “PINK”, which many of you might have already seen. And from the very last night this thing is going on in the back of my mind.
 Why are we afraid?
 Yes, this is my question. Why?
 
 And how do people get to frighten us? Are they AL-Qaeda’s hired lots with a gun in their back pockets who are going to kill us if we go against?
 
 My friends say that I’m strong enough to stand tall and face the worst of situations. They say just look straight into their eyes and tell ’em you are not one from the common lots. I’m sure everyone who loves you would tell you the same. Or, they may ask you to ignore them cause “they” weren’t born as smart as you were!
 
 But my ignorance won’t stop them, will it?
 And will my fighting back?
 
 
 Yes we fall weak in-front of four men. Why? We’re afraid to stop there and feed to them some pretty words of appreciation of what an asshole they are .Why are we afraid? Because they have a little more power in their biceps or cause some wrecked society told them that we’re born submissive?
 
 
 I like this place. The mild sun-rays falling from the canopy of dense trees, the birds chirping, the stillness of trees, the long endless path that I see inside of the gate, it’s all beautiful. Why don’t people come to such places and let go the evil in their heart. Why don’t they lead a life, a nice one, as nice people? Why don’t they clear their eyes of how they look at a woman?
 
 And again my heart asks me the very question-Why are we afraid? 😦
 
 India is a country which is growing immensely on industrial, education, financial and blahblahblah fronts but still, the gap between the genders is huge. We rank 108 all over the world in gender equality with an average of only 68%. People, we need to bridge this up. Yes, it’s we, our generation; so that our daughters don’t face what we face. So that they live safe as we’ve lived never before.

In Search Of Ideas

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[I] ‘Tony and Susan’

 

Tony curses him for not being brave enough to save his wife and daughter from the monsters Ray, Turk and Lou who hithatched them on their road-trip to Maine. They separated them, dumped him in the woods and his family near the trailer. He walked the entire night in search of Laura, his wife and daughter Helen. Only in the morning did he discover them in the woods among the bushes. Naked. Raped. Dead.

 

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[II] ‘The Zahir’

Esther is missing. It has been two long years that Paulo found his wife dissapeared. No message, no reasons. Just gone. Leaving him with the mysteries and the need to find the truth of love and life. Will he meet his wife? Why did she leave in the first place? Did they lack something in their 10 year long marriage?

220px-The_Zahir_(novel)

 


 

 

I have been in search of something too. Some realisations have to be made. It’s more like making yourself believe a fact your heart resists to believe. To stay in illusion is no good. Maybe it is. You keep away from outbursting. But how long? It has to pour out oneday. It is like you know your loss is heavy but you don’t yet feel its weight.

What do you do in such cases?

I write. Maybe read too. Like a hell lot. Though it hasn’t made me feel the weight yet, I just takes me away for a while.

The thoughts will return soon, that I know. Till then I keep myself occupied. In search of ideas. To write something good. Something like you read above. Or maybe entirely different. It’s all so unpredictable. I keep my search going.

 

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