I don't know what reminds me
Of the 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.'
Everything's fading away, just like that.
I am watching it wash away.
Maybe, I am the one trying to erase it all.
Everytime I pull myself up
You come knocking with lilies
I peep through the keyhole
And I know how I love it
I'd been longing for flowers
you sell the best ones too
I abstain opening the doors
For I'd stopped buying from you
The last time you traded
roses full of thorns
Has still got me bruises
From things I still adorn
Yet I open the door
End up buying those lilies
Through my bleeding hand
Creeps in the willies
In your presence I make memories
In your absence, poems
I'm wrenched away
Of a part of me, my love
Do you hear the conundrum?
It's me, my heart
And the life we spent
Calling your name in repeat
I take off the shore
Oh! An endless ocean of grief
Some days I think I am pulling myself together
And then there are nights like these
When it starts taking over
I sit back up and start praying
The clock keeps rushing you see
my 6 hour alarm turned to 3
I don't know what else to write
Or do, or how to sleep
It doesn't hurt any more than it was supposed to
That's how powerful
that crossed me.
And that's how powerful it makes me.
The vicious cycle of hurting ends right here today self realizations, reality-checks I let me liberate I do not intend to write anymore 'cause I got no perfect endings self realizations, reality-checks help me liberating
Ever felt the pressure? 'Give-up songs' in repeat? For I have lately been In places I've never foreseen In darkness that is now comfortable In nothingness that's now sweet
“Life is difficult. I had never expected it to be so beautiful and yet so brutal at the same time. Sometimes, I feel like ending. First, because I believe I have had my best, that there’s no more good left to feel, or experience. The best has already happened, and anything less would be injustice to myself.
Nothing can replace ‘the best’, right? And anything you get next, is like a compromise, it’s like the second best, it’s like less. And I do not want less. I do not want the next. I just need the best!
I do not wish to be explicit; I just want to pour out what it feels tonight. My greatest of fears is advancing. It feels like someone’s putting a knife on your chest, and you bleed tears, and yet you smile, because you must! It’s like imagining yourself destroying lives and then thinking that the world could do better off without you.
I just wanted to write this down, because this will stay, these emotions are strong enough to make a firm presence. I wish to come back to it, after years and see if it made sense, my fears and how my future self is going to face it. I just want to tell her, this will end. Life is just too small for the sufferings to last longer than you deserve to be in. I love you a lot, I love the person you are, and I love what you have done. I know it all, and it does make sense.”
PS: I have felt this way and to anyone feeling the same, I just want to tell you, I love you, you’re precious. Things will be good. They’ve been for me. And they’ll be good for you too :’)
Edit 1: It’s almost 1.5 years, and I came back here just to say that things do change. I want to remind my older self that it is useless contemplating the things that hurt you over and again in your head, ’cause no matter what, if it is bound to happen it will happen. However, you do not know how it happens. In what circumstances. So, never play a situation in your head any more than needed. You never know things may turn out absolutely different. Just live in the present and focus on living it fully, wholeheartedly, and compassionately. When you actually face it, you will be so much liberated. And trust me, you are stronger than you think you are.
Nobody has an inch of idea
Of the amount of pain she carries
Beneath her cheerful smile
And the jolly laughs
The way she spreads the love
Like molten magma
That fills up the earth
Replacing the voids in us
Dear darling be strong
Cause you're what I get strength from
Smile and walk ahead
Be a surviver in this brutal world
PS: Wrote this last Dec, for my friend Shruti, who wanted to talk to her Dad. She had lost him a few months back then.
I choose colourful pictures because these are candy days I've got an ocean to outpour a zillion emotions to save I've a colossal stretch of work many books awaiting to be read Thoughts to share and people to meet but work is probably insane Don't confound my occupied schedule as I compare it with candy days Days like these I love Days like these keep me sane