Yeah, those are the words that perfectly describe my emotions these days. I sometimes gulp my sentiments and at times smile wide in the wake of a new journey that’s coming up.
I have read a lot about how this decision is not the best one. Subtly, opinionated answers give me a way to think in a different manner. Nevertheless, for now, I prefer staying dripped in these emotions as long as I find my purpose.
After staying at home for about 3 months, I know it’s going to be tough out there. I know it will be lonely at times, with people, yet no people. Guess what, I am ready for the same. I believe it’s only till we face it, we learn and grow.
It was announced there won’t be any more classes after the recess, while I was still busy jotting down my absent notes. See I don’t really like freaking out with ‘copying of notes’ thing but I usually do that to keep myself busy or say avoid talking with people. Yes people upset me many a times. The hustle-bustle led me to wind up the work and leave. As I headed towards the staircase, something provoked me to get back to my room. There I made up my mind. I’d take a right turn instead of the left (cause left headed to the hostel) to comprehend the voices of my heart. But Gosh! I missed my diary back in my drawers. So I rushed to my room, grabbed my diary, my clutch, and my favourite book-’Rumi The Book of Love’(Nah, I was in no romantic mood) and walked my way towards the park. The best thing is that the park being nearby, gave me a chance to observe the world around while taking a walk to it.
I usually walk straight and try not to goggle at people. I wanted to wave to the chai-wali masi, but I didn’t. I saw people staring and I stared back in disgust. Today there seemed less people on the road. Maybe cause I’d hardly been out in the afternoon here. The path seemed infinity and I kept walking, with all these thoughts swirling inside my head. Now I sit here in-front of the park-gate, wondering about the reasons which drove me here, to somewhere solace, in complete solitude.
You know what, yesterday I watched “PINK”, which many of you might have already seen. And from the very last night this thing is going on in the back of my mind. Why are we afraid? Yes, this is my question. Why?
And how do people get to frighten us? Are they AL-Qaeda’s hired lots with a gun in their back pockets who are going to kill us if we go against?
My friends say that I’m strong enough to stand tall and face the worst of situations. They say just look straight into their eyes and tell ’em you are not one from the common lots. I’m sure everyone who loves you would tell you the same. Or, they may ask you to ignore them cause “they” weren’t born as smart as you were!
But my ignorance won’t stop them, will it? And will my fighting back?
Yes we fall weak in-front of four men. Why? We’re afraid to stop there and feed to them some pretty words of appreciation of what an asshole they are .Why are we afraid? Because they have a little more power in their biceps or cause some wrecked society told them that we’re born submissive?
I like this place. The mild sun-rays falling from the canopy of dense trees, the birds chirping, the stillness of trees, the long endless path that I see inside of the gate, it’s all beautiful. Why don’t people come to such places and let go the evil in their heart. Why don’t they lead a life, a nice one, as nice people? Why don’t they clear their eyes of how they look at a woman?
And again my heart asks me the very question-Why are we afraid? 😦
India is a country which is growing immensely on industrial, education, financial and blahblahblah fronts but still, the gap between the genders is huge. We rank 108 all over the world in gender equality with an average of only 68%. People, we need to bridge this up. Yes, it’s we, our generation; so that our daughters don’t face what we face. So that they live safe as we’ve lived never before.
The moment intensified
When the hands met
Locking unlocking continued
And each touch touched deep
Like a hormonal gush it came
When I remember not
You smelled me
And I vaporised
Only to escape
A sudden urge to hug
Crept in like a silent storm
Dripping in souls
all so out of hand
Out of mind
Out of space
Out of the universe
Silence and noise
The world in mute
It’s only the beating
Of the one you hold
This, I write to me, the ‘me’ who sometimes disguises herself from the fact that she can.
I always wait for an urge that would drive me crazy or compelling to write. Yes, today is no exception. However, this thing won’t work. This is also to all those who think they can write- ‘just write and let be’. That is one thing and all that makes you better at it. Remember about the compo which touched all your friends’ heart? Or the one that was appreciated by your English teacher back at school? C’mon you have your own favourite list as well. You don’t really need to wait for that best piece to drop by or an incredible idea to jumpstart your writing. Maybe in your way you come across something astonishing.
There are powers in the universe which make me realise what I’m meant for. I stick to them. So shall you.
Tony curses him for not being brave enough to save his wife and daughter from the monsters Ray, Turk and Lou who hithatched them on their road-trip to Maine. They separated them, dumped him in the woods and his family near the trailer. He walked the entire night in search of Laura, his wife and daughter Helen. Only in the morning did he discover them in the woods among the bushes. Naked. Raped. Dead.
[II] ‘The Zahir’
Esther is missing. It has been two long years that Paulo found his wife dissapeared. No message, no reasons. Just gone. Leaving him with the mysteries and the need to find the truth of love and life. Will he meet his wife? Why did she leave in the first place? Did they lack something in their 10 year long marriage?
I have been in search of something too. Some realisations have to be made. It’s more like making yourself believe a fact your heart resists to believe. To stay in illusion is no good. Maybe it is. You keep away from outbursting. But how long? It has to pour out oneday. It is like you know your loss is heavy but you don’t yet feel its weight.
What do you do in such cases?
I write. Maybe read too. Like a hell lot. Though it hasn’t made me feel the weight yet, I just takes me away for a while.
The thoughts will return soon, that I know. Till then I keep myself occupied. In search of ideas. To write something good. Something like you read above. Or maybe entirely different. It’s all so unpredictable. I keep my search going.